Alva Review-Courier -

Every new generation has to learn disciplinary basics, such as any time mothers refer to a child with both first and middle names, they are usually in a GREAT deal of trouble. And in our own family’s situation, there would absolutely be no mercy regarding attempts to mitigate the severity of upcoming disciplinary action if my own mother was involved.

Further, adding additional volume while crying out in pain during disciplinary action is easily detected by the vast majority of maternal disciplinarians. And of course, either parent may lose his/her patience with a child who is faking cries of agony, and cut short “sham crying” by making the time honored threat of “If you don’t stop that whining, I’ll give you something to cry about” (a fairly extreme measure that is probably most often threatened by fathers).

In our family, my father would on occasion make threats to do substantial harm to me and my siblings when we misbehaved. But we soon learned that his threats could be influenced by feigned contriteness on our part, to the point that any discipline levied by him would amount to no more than a few light swats.

One notable exception occurred when my younger brother Jan and I were not much more than five. We had begun a wrestling match in a church pew to resolve a territorial dispute, when we each thought the other sibling was taking up too much space in the pew. It was a minor matter, except for the fact that our tussle took place in the front row of the church during Sunday morning services. Dad had been seated with some friends a couple of rows back of us.

I was just starting to get the upper hand of the wrestling match, when I felt the less than gentle hand of Dad on the collar of my suit, and he grabbed my brother’s collar in a similar manner with his other hand. Jan and I were marched back down the aisle of the church, out the front door, and toward our home, which was a block away. Dad didn’t say a word, except he gave both of us a shove in the back every so often, to let us know he was still behind us, and to convey the message that this time he meant business.

When we arrived at home, Dad told Jan and me to wait in the living room until he could find a stick big enough to teach us that we weren’t supposed to behave like that in a public place. During Dad’s absence, Jan and I exchanged looks as two condemned men might before their impending execution.

But when Dad finally returned with a good sized board, he was so concerned he would harm us, that he smacked us very lightly. We were greatly surprised – and greatly relieved. Maybe the fact that we screamed and writhed in feigned agony mitigated our punishment level, proving that time-honored tactics sometimes work, even though their likelihood of success seems unlikely at the time.

But when mother was the disciplinarian-in-chief, contriteness on our part, even when coupled with pledges of future exemplary behavior, did nothing to avoid or reduce the thoroughness of her percussion correction. Her Teutonic heritage may have had something to do with that.

When asked why she was so unbending in her approach to correction of misbehavior, Mother said, “It was necessary because of human nature. And because of the old saying that ‘everyone both shineth and stinketh.’ I was merely being certain of cutting down on the stinketh part.”

(To be continued.)