Alva Review-Courier -

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, and she wants her sign back!"

Two Elderly Men in the Park

Two elderly men are seated on a park bench. The first says to his friend:

“The wife and I ate at a great restaurant last night. The food was delicious. The service was wonderful and the menu was soup to nuts. What a terrific place.”

He leans back, savoring the memory. His friend replies: “Sounds fantastic. What’s the name of the place?”

“Hmmm. Okay, you’re going to have to help me with that one. What’s the name of the flower that men give to their wives and girlfriends on Valentine’s Day? You know, the one that comes in lots of colors and has thorns on the stems.”

“You mean the rose?”

“Yeah. That’s it, the rose.”

Then he turns and calls out over his shoulder. “Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to last night?”

Blonde Joke

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde says, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde replies: "No, just up to my boobs ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

Hit by a Truck – SYMPATHETIC HUBBY

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. Two sheriff's deputies are there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and she's an excellent cook. "

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light?”

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?